HOLD ON

LIFE IS GOOD... REALLY, REALLY GOOD. Right now, I'm overfilling with gratitude... and not sure exactly quite why. I think it's partially the result of a mixture of the song I am listening to right now, and a series of extremely fortunate, simple moments over the past year. I don't even really know where to start, but I've had a few ideas over the past week or so that I was thinking I wanted to write about:... primarily solitude and holding on. I was having a hard time feeling like a had the right inspiration to write anything with enough passion backing it, but right now I feel extremely inspired... so that's good. Hopefully I can translate it well enough to pass it on.

Over the past week, I've been transitionally living with my newly remarried father and his new family of 5 until the 1st of October. Living out of boxes and the back of my car has been the trend of the month for me. The salon has been fairly demanding and  I have received some new responsibilities at the school so, really, my time spent at home has been pretty minimal. Regardless, it's been cool to get to know these great people that are such a huge part of my dad's life. Anyways, the first wave of inspiration that came to me this week was on a 30-minute lunch break. I had brought a box of crackers and a couple pieces of fruit, and decided rather than go somewhere to eat, I would just sit in my car (loaded with much of my life within it) and enjoy what I had brought. The wind was blowing and my car was facing an open field... and I just thought. Nothing was particularly beautiful about what I saw. The tall yellow weeds were dead and desolate and the wind was blowing dust and garbage across the field, but in that moment I felt a great deal of peace and I just started to think about how important it is to slow down and be alone and quite... even when you only have a few minutes in a dirty old "hoarder" car in the parking lot of your workplace. I've learned a lot in these lonely moments over the past year, and this one in particular, was a good moment... I knew I needed to write about it. After that, I found a lot of opportunities to just sit in my car and think, or to enjoy those still, simple moments. I guess it's kind of a resolution of mine.

So, to intro the next topic, I wanted to share a video originally shared with me by newly made friend, Marissa Delgadillo. She, as an acquaintance, showed me the video at the salon a few months ago and just this weekend, I had the opportunity of cutting her hair. We were both pretty happy with the results. Here's how it turned out:
 

The video she shared with me has been one that I revisit often and really lifts me up every time I listen to it. I feel it says what I am  about to say in a more powerful, effective way... and with an infinite amount of passion. 

Here it is with lyrics:                                                         

"Hold On"

Bless my heart.

Bless my soul.
Didn't think I'd make it to 22 years old.
There must be someone up above sayin'
"Come on Brittany, you got to come on up."
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

So, bless my heart and bless yours too.
I don't know where I'm gonna go
Don't what what I'm gonna do.
Well, must be somebody up above sayin'
"Come on Brittany, you got to come on up! "
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

"Yeah! You got to wait! "
"Yeah! You got to wait! "
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait...

So, bless my heart and Bless my mind.
I got so much to do, I ain't got much time
So, must be someone up above saying
"Come on girl! You got to get back up! "
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

"Yeah! You got to wait! "
"Yeah! You got to wait! "
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait!

"You got to hold on... "
"You got to hold on... "
"Got to hold on... "
"You got to hold on... "

I love the end, when she says "When the world ain't, treatin' you good, you gotta hold on, when everybody lookin' at ya funny, you got to hold on"... SERIOUSLY??? SO GOOD!

So maybe a bit personal, but I really feel I need to write about it at this point. I've never really told anyone about this, with the exception of a few people I wanted to make closure with. About a year ago from now, I wanted to take my life. I took an excessive amount of random pills and thought I had done the job, only to pass out and wake up with intense stomach pain and throwing up. I had lost my desire to keep trying. I no longer wanted to live. Looking back, it devastates me to think about what I had tried to do and how much hope I had lost when in reality, I never could have imagined how much I had to look forward to. I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. And it only took a year for my attitude to completely 180. Back to an article shared with me by friend, Ashley-Jayne mentioned in earlier posts titled "What Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Something", I see that I wouldn't be who I am without experiencing some hardship and pain. I am finally who I've wanted to be for a long time... MYSELF. If you are ever in those intense low moments, please just choose to keep living everyday one at a time, and looking forward. I promise it pays off.... I promise it gets better. Just hold on.

Discovered

So I haven't written in a very long time again. This blog has become a reminder of how I've treated every journal I've ever had... With little use. Life is busy as usual. I worked at the school this morning and made use of my night off from the salon by doing nothing but thinking. The air here has been speaking of fall. I now lay here know on a recycled couch listening to Youth Lagoon's "Year of the Hibernation" on vinyl while typing this blog on my phone. This record is absolutely amazing. I recommend listening to a song from the album as you finish reading. I'll make it easy for you... hit play:

This record is really inspiring and guiding my thoughts right now. In this moment, life seems so simple and incredible. I've rarely felt what I feel in this moment. I know this post is so atypical to my others, but I like how organic it feels to be writing exactly what I think.

Life is, no doubt, challenging, confusing, and far from perfect in my eyes right now... I have concerns (or maybe better described as fears) that I won't be able to find an environment, lifestyle, and relationships that brings me peace, happiness and contentment somewhat consistently. I often feel alone in my thoughts and alone in my life but I realized something in this solitude... At the school, the culture teaches students that there is no such thing as a mistake... That instead, we can only make discoveries. And we are better for making them because of the growth we experience. Discovery... It's such an awesome concept. Even the word itself seems so beautiful to me. And then it hit me, life is discovery, but it seems so horrible sometimes because we have so many regrets about mistakes we've made and anxieties of ones we might make. My goal is to move forward with gratitude for the discoveries I've made and while striving for peace and happiness, not living with so much fear of making a "mistake". I just want to try to live with more contentment in a life overfilling with content.
I feel like I am becoming more of the person I knew I was. I feel like I'm finally freeing myself from the bondage of distraction, fear, and insecurity and just living. I've needed this time to think and be alone.
I feel excited about life right now... I feel reborn... I feel discovered.