HOLD ON

LIFE IS GOOD... REALLY, REALLY GOOD. Right now, I'm overfilling with gratitude... and not sure exactly quite why. I think it's partially the result of a mixture of the song I am listening to right now, and a series of extremely fortunate, simple moments over the past year. I don't even really know where to start, but I've had a few ideas over the past week or so that I was thinking I wanted to write about:... primarily solitude and holding on. I was having a hard time feeling like a had the right inspiration to write anything with enough passion backing it, but right now I feel extremely inspired... so that's good. Hopefully I can translate it well enough to pass it on.

Over the past week, I've been transitionally living with my newly remarried father and his new family of 5 until the 1st of October. Living out of boxes and the back of my car has been the trend of the month for me. The salon has been fairly demanding and  I have received some new responsibilities at the school so, really, my time spent at home has been pretty minimal. Regardless, it's been cool to get to know these great people that are such a huge part of my dad's life. Anyways, the first wave of inspiration that came to me this week was on a 30-minute lunch break. I had brought a box of crackers and a couple pieces of fruit, and decided rather than go somewhere to eat, I would just sit in my car (loaded with much of my life within it) and enjoy what I had brought. The wind was blowing and my car was facing an open field... and I just thought. Nothing was particularly beautiful about what I saw. The tall yellow weeds were dead and desolate and the wind was blowing dust and garbage across the field, but in that moment I felt a great deal of peace and I just started to think about how important it is to slow down and be alone and quite... even when you only have a few minutes in a dirty old "hoarder" car in the parking lot of your workplace. I've learned a lot in these lonely moments over the past year, and this one in particular, was a good moment... I knew I needed to write about it. After that, I found a lot of opportunities to just sit in my car and think, or to enjoy those still, simple moments. I guess it's kind of a resolution of mine.

So, to intro the next topic, I wanted to share a video originally shared with me by newly made friend, Marissa Delgadillo. She, as an acquaintance, showed me the video at the salon a few months ago and just this weekend, I had the opportunity of cutting her hair. We were both pretty happy with the results. Here's how it turned out:
 

The video she shared with me has been one that I revisit often and really lifts me up every time I listen to it. I feel it says what I am  about to say in a more powerful, effective way... and with an infinite amount of passion. 

Here it is with lyrics:                                                         

"Hold On"

Bless my heart.

Bless my soul.
Didn't think I'd make it to 22 years old.
There must be someone up above sayin'
"Come on Brittany, you got to come on up."
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

So, bless my heart and bless yours too.
I don't know where I'm gonna go
Don't what what I'm gonna do.
Well, must be somebody up above sayin'
"Come on Brittany, you got to come on up! "
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

"Yeah! You got to wait! "
"Yeah! You got to wait! "
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait...

So, bless my heart and Bless my mind.
I got so much to do, I ain't got much time
So, must be someone up above saying
"Come on girl! You got to get back up! "
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

"Yeah! You got to wait! "
"Yeah! You got to wait! "
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait!

"You got to hold on... "
"You got to hold on... "
"Got to hold on... "
"You got to hold on... "

I love the end, when she says "When the world ain't, treatin' you good, you gotta hold on, when everybody lookin' at ya funny, you got to hold on"... SERIOUSLY??? SO GOOD!

So maybe a bit personal, but I really feel I need to write about it at this point. I've never really told anyone about this, with the exception of a few people I wanted to make closure with. About a year ago from now, I wanted to take my life. I took an excessive amount of random pills and thought I had done the job, only to pass out and wake up with intense stomach pain and throwing up. I had lost my desire to keep trying. I no longer wanted to live. Looking back, it devastates me to think about what I had tried to do and how much hope I had lost when in reality, I never could have imagined how much I had to look forward to. I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. And it only took a year for my attitude to completely 180. Back to an article shared with me by friend, Ashley-Jayne mentioned in earlier posts titled "What Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Something", I see that I wouldn't be who I am without experiencing some hardship and pain. I am finally who I've wanted to be for a long time... MYSELF. If you are ever in those intense low moments, please just choose to keep living everyday one at a time, and looking forward. I promise it pays off.... I promise it gets better. Just hold on.

Leaving the Past for a Better Future

Wow, so this has been a long time coming. Two full-time jobs sometimes leaves little time for inspiration and writing. Maybe once I acquire a laptop I can be more regular with my posts, so I apologize for my inconsistency.

LOVE

So, my original post was meant to be written last week, but the music video I wanted to put up was erased from the entire internet for some reason. It was a live video of Portugal. The Man playing "All Your Light" in Germany. I had a good idea of what I wanted to write, but without the video, it was not near as powerful and clear. If you dare, beg them to put the video back online... it's amazing, and I am having withdrawals without it.

So, without that, my mind has been overwhelmed with a HEAVY, HEAVY topic... LOVE. It's such a hard thing to understand, and I think it is different for each person. Being divorced has made me really confused on how it all works, what it involves, how to nurture it properly, and how to feel it again. I have heard a lot of divorced people feel like they will never find it again, and I can relate. It's a scary thought, and deep down, I know it's not true, but it's hard to kick out the negative thoughts. Honestly, I really don't want to get too deep into it, but the idea of love makes me excited to live. It's definitely a driving force to living a beautiful life. I think most people agree. One of my favorite films "Into the Wild"(based on a true story) portrays college graduate who leaves civilization, burns his money and identification, and abandons his car to leave a corrupt, shallow society, as he views it. He finds beauty in the peace that comes from living off the land, and being completely independent and free from the system. But at his more desperate state, he carves into a piece of wood the following: "HAPPINESS IS NOT REAL UNLESS SHARED." I think this is a profound, perfect statement. If you haven't seen the movie, I HIGHLY recommend it, and if not that, read the book. It definitely makes you see the world in a different light. 

Anyways, I feel like this post is a little off beat from my past two, but what I really wanted to share in this post is a video that was shared with me. When I saw it the first time, I nearly cried. To me, this is love. And I love what they have done in this video to evoke such a strong, beautiful connection. This is what I want. This is the love that I am committed to one day creating. (I couldn't attatch the video so please click the link, make it full screen, turn up your volume, and enjoy)

Go Do by IRIS AND LIGHT

The cool thing about these videos is that they are actual couples' engagement videos. SUCH AN AWESOME IDEA! Way better than a few photos. You are committing to love a person for the rest of your life, why not make it insanely artistic media piece that reminds you of how awesome you are for each other. THIS IS TRUE BEAUTY.

Living With Eyes (A New Chapter of Life)

This is crazy... I never really imagined myself blogging. And as I am typing the first few words of this blog, I'm realizing I have no idea what a blog is supposed to be, or why I am doing it. I think it has to do something with reminding myself and understanding the type of life I want to live (an idea that I have been obsessed with over the past year or so). So this blog is for me... and maybe eventually a few close friends. I guess we'll see how the blog, itself, develops and evolves. I have a feeling my entries here may start out a bit too personal but I hope to work into something a bit more traditional for this type of thing.

To start out, I suppose I should give an explanation of who I think I am, so I can get a good idea of who I want to be. Just to preface, I am normally an extremely private, candid person... I often view sharing personal feelings as unprofessional and potentially harmful to my reputation. I guess I am hoping that this can still be personal and public at the same time for now. I don't know what that means... it just feels right to be able to communicate my feelings to a small computerized community of people I trust.

I am in a huge transitional stage of my life... highly confused, scared, questioning everything, redefining happiness every day. Although I mostly feel happy and satisfied with my direction, life events over the past ten months have thrown my emotions into an ever-changing state. A recent divorce, of which I will spare the details, has been the hardest event of my life this far. It really has made me question everything from my own personal worth, to the integrity and value of the human race, to my innermost beliefs. It has felt good let go of something that had no grasp on me.

I am a passionate person. If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that. The things I feel, I feel DEEPLY. I wish it weren't true with some things, but I love that it is with others. Some of the deeper things that I value include: spirituality, relationships, being a good person, simplicity, and contentment. I also strongly value art & design, music, fashion, nature, and health.

ABOVE ALL: I WISH TO LIVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE. A SIMPLE LIFE, FILLED WITH SIMPLE BEAUTY, TRANQUILITY, AND LOVE... hence, the name of this blog "Living with Eyes".

I suppose I could have named this blog "Living With Eyes That See" because I just hope to understand what life is all about. I have heard the religious explanations, and I love and appreciate them. But I mean, for me personally... I want to understand how to have the most enjoyable, peaceful life experience and positively effect those around me. I don't want to just live. I want to live with purpose, meaning, and with a undying desire to keep living everyday of life with an excitement for each new hour and the opportunity it brings. I guess I am creating this blog in hopes to create a dream board of what beauty is to me, so that I can incorporate as much of it into my life as possible. So much of my enjoyment in life comes from my five senses, and I don't want to deprive any of them... but in particular, I want to spoil my eyes. For me that means seeing sunrises and sunsets, the tallest mountains, the greenest trees, the face of a loved one I have positively impacted, seeing an artist passionately recreate something in their heart in physical form... really I just wish to magnify all of those small glimpses I have had of perfect moments throughout my life. There is something about being a child and the feelings I remember from my youngest years, that I wish to reinvent in my adult self. I have a confidence that tells me I can do it... but I guess only time will tell.

I am passionately fulfilled in my trade as a hairdresser. I am in love with my role as an active musician/singer for a band with some of my closest friends. I feel extremely fortunate to have the life I have, but I feel that I have an infinite amount to learn about living a truly beautiful life. I have high hopes for the year of 2012. I feel like it is going to be an amazing year. I get excited for everything it will bring, and I am excited to, hopefully, commit to documenting some of it through this blog.

So here is the hard part for me: WINTER in REXBURG, ID. This place is actually pretty amazing in the summer, but in these cold months of February, I miss my old friend some like to call "The Sun." I don't know if I can legitimately call it "Seasonal Depression", but this time of year gets pretty discouraging for me. So here is the dilemma... I hate the cold (I literally sprint into and out of my car) but I love the outdoors. As much as I love my job, my friends, and my situation in this little town, I just hate these cold, dark months. It is obviously worth it, as I am still here, but I hope that my current path leads me to somewhere with at least 10 months of pretty steady warmth. Oh, how I miss riding my bike and listening to Fleet Foxes, Local Natives, Toro Y Moi, or Seabear... the thought of it kills me. Nothing can replace how peaceful that can be. I don't know why I am so attracted to something so simple, but I totally am. So I awake everyday with high hopes for sunshine and warm temperatures, but I think it's mostly in vain until April.

So, I am taking a random trip to SLC this weekend with some of my best friends, Talmage, Josh Peterson, and Alexa. Just to hang out, relax, visit IKEA, and maybe do some mild shopping. And then Monday I am off to Vegas for Caper ( A Paul Mitchell Event celebrating the industry). It'll be the third time I have visited Las Vegas in the past eight months with some sort of hair industry related agenda in mind. I am excited to say the least. Even just a break from this weather is enough to get me excited, but this event is huge and filled with positive energy so it'll most definitely be a good start to my new commitment to live with eyes that see. I am hoping some of what my eyes see can become a huge part of what drives this blog, because I am personally a bigger fan of pictures than of paragraphs of depressing drama (Although, you might seriously question that at this point in this post).
Here's to the new life I begin living this dark February night, alone in this borrowed bedroom. It begins to feel more beautiful the closer I get to hitting the "Publish" button below. I guess this is where I start... here we go.