HOLD ON

LIFE IS GOOD... REALLY, REALLY GOOD. Right now, I'm overfilling with gratitude... and not sure exactly quite why. I think it's partially the result of a mixture of the song I am listening to right now, and a series of extremely fortunate, simple moments over the past year. I don't even really know where to start, but I've had a few ideas over the past week or so that I was thinking I wanted to write about:... primarily solitude and holding on. I was having a hard time feeling like a had the right inspiration to write anything with enough passion backing it, but right now I feel extremely inspired... so that's good. Hopefully I can translate it well enough to pass it on.

Over the past week, I've been transitionally living with my newly remarried father and his new family of 5 until the 1st of October. Living out of boxes and the back of my car has been the trend of the month for me. The salon has been fairly demanding and  I have received some new responsibilities at the school so, really, my time spent at home has been pretty minimal. Regardless, it's been cool to get to know these great people that are such a huge part of my dad's life. Anyways, the first wave of inspiration that came to me this week was on a 30-minute lunch break. I had brought a box of crackers and a couple pieces of fruit, and decided rather than go somewhere to eat, I would just sit in my car (loaded with much of my life within it) and enjoy what I had brought. The wind was blowing and my car was facing an open field... and I just thought. Nothing was particularly beautiful about what I saw. The tall yellow weeds were dead and desolate and the wind was blowing dust and garbage across the field, but in that moment I felt a great deal of peace and I just started to think about how important it is to slow down and be alone and quite... even when you only have a few minutes in a dirty old "hoarder" car in the parking lot of your workplace. I've learned a lot in these lonely moments over the past year, and this one in particular, was a good moment... I knew I needed to write about it. After that, I found a lot of opportunities to just sit in my car and think, or to enjoy those still, simple moments. I guess it's kind of a resolution of mine.

So, to intro the next topic, I wanted to share a video originally shared with me by newly made friend, Marissa Delgadillo. She, as an acquaintance, showed me the video at the salon a few months ago and just this weekend, I had the opportunity of cutting her hair. We were both pretty happy with the results. Here's how it turned out:
 

The video she shared with me has been one that I revisit often and really lifts me up every time I listen to it. I feel it says what I am  about to say in a more powerful, effective way... and with an infinite amount of passion. 

Here it is with lyrics:                                                         

"Hold On"

Bless my heart.

Bless my soul.
Didn't think I'd make it to 22 years old.
There must be someone up above sayin'
"Come on Brittany, you got to come on up."
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

So, bless my heart and bless yours too.
I don't know where I'm gonna go
Don't what what I'm gonna do.
Well, must be somebody up above sayin'
"Come on Brittany, you got to come on up! "
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

"Yeah! You got to wait! "
"Yeah! You got to wait! "
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait...

So, bless my heart and Bless my mind.
I got so much to do, I ain't got much time
So, must be someone up above saying
"Come on girl! You got to get back up! "
"You got to hold on... "
"Hey, you got to hold on... "

"Yeah! You got to wait! "
"Yeah! You got to wait! "
But I don't wanna wait!
No, I don't wanna wait!

"You got to hold on... "
"You got to hold on... "
"Got to hold on... "
"You got to hold on... "

I love the end, when she says "When the world ain't, treatin' you good, you gotta hold on, when everybody lookin' at ya funny, you got to hold on"... SERIOUSLY??? SO GOOD!

So maybe a bit personal, but I really feel I need to write about it at this point. I've never really told anyone about this, with the exception of a few people I wanted to make closure with. About a year ago from now, I wanted to take my life. I took an excessive amount of random pills and thought I had done the job, only to pass out and wake up with intense stomach pain and throwing up. I had lost my desire to keep trying. I no longer wanted to live. Looking back, it devastates me to think about what I had tried to do and how much hope I had lost when in reality, I never could have imagined how much I had to look forward to. I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. And it only took a year for my attitude to completely 180. Back to an article shared with me by friend, Ashley-Jayne mentioned in earlier posts titled "What Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Something", I see that I wouldn't be who I am without experiencing some hardship and pain. I am finally who I've wanted to be for a long time... MYSELF. If you are ever in those intense low moments, please just choose to keep living everyday one at a time, and looking forward. I promise it pays off.... I promise it gets better. Just hold on.

Peace

Today... A simple post for a simple concept. I think most people are in search of some kind of contentment. But what brings people the capacity to be content? I think it's different for everyone. For me, the majority of what I am searching for to enhance my life is peace. Peace, to me, literally means to be happy and content with life regardless of the situations you are put in. I've actually felt pretty successful in my efforts so far, but yesterday I had a moment that reminded me and reconnected me to this idea.
I find that I sometimes have difficulty relating to strangers, or feeling connected to most humans. I think, when we start to think like this is when we feel disconnected, discontent, and alone. I've decided that I'd like to see things from a more empathetic, understood, and relatable perspective.
Yesterday I took a random trip to Jackson Hole with my friend, Talmage. The trip was quick and simple basically consisting of a lift to the top of ski resort mountain "Snow King", tromping around for a bit until we got hungry, Mexican food, and a quick drive home.
The whole thing was great, but there was definitely a moment that stands above the rest. As we sat above the earth, looking at it, we stayed silent.
After a decent amount of time, the silence was broken by a stranger approaching only to stop, stare down, and gasp. We then sat, looking down in thought from different perspectives. I , personally, entered a meditative type state. Thinking of personal matters, relationships, philosophies, goals, fears, imagining, dreaming, and visualizing. I became conscious to the sound of the man walking away. My mind was then led to wander on the man's circumstance, thoughts, and basically everything I occupy my own mind with. I wondered if he had been daydreaming and searching for answers, as I had been. I wondered if we had similar problems, or if we both put ourselves on top of mountains for the same reasons. Relatable or not, I learned something. I need to be more loving, compassionate, and aware of those I consider "strangers". I think it's a huge part of living the beautiful life that I aspire to live.
This weekend was so short, but so well spent. I've felt so much peace and been able to revisit my goals. Yep. That's pretty much it for today.

Discovered

So I haven't written in a very long time again. This blog has become a reminder of how I've treated every journal I've ever had... With little use. Life is busy as usual. I worked at the school this morning and made use of my night off from the salon by doing nothing but thinking. The air here has been speaking of fall. I now lay here know on a recycled couch listening to Youth Lagoon's "Year of the Hibernation" on vinyl while typing this blog on my phone. This record is absolutely amazing. I recommend listening to a song from the album as you finish reading. I'll make it easy for you... hit play:

This record is really inspiring and guiding my thoughts right now. In this moment, life seems so simple and incredible. I've rarely felt what I feel in this moment. I know this post is so atypical to my others, but I like how organic it feels to be writing exactly what I think.

Life is, no doubt, challenging, confusing, and far from perfect in my eyes right now... I have concerns (or maybe better described as fears) that I won't be able to find an environment, lifestyle, and relationships that brings me peace, happiness and contentment somewhat consistently. I often feel alone in my thoughts and alone in my life but I realized something in this solitude... At the school, the culture teaches students that there is no such thing as a mistake... That instead, we can only make discoveries. And we are better for making them because of the growth we experience. Discovery... It's such an awesome concept. Even the word itself seems so beautiful to me. And then it hit me, life is discovery, but it seems so horrible sometimes because we have so many regrets about mistakes we've made and anxieties of ones we might make. My goal is to move forward with gratitude for the discoveries I've made and while striving for peace and happiness, not living with so much fear of making a "mistake". I just want to try to live with more contentment in a life overfilling with content.
I feel like I am becoming more of the person I knew I was. I feel like I'm finally freeing myself from the bondage of distraction, fear, and insecurity and just living. I've needed this time to think and be alone.
I feel excited about life right now... I feel reborn... I feel discovered.

Leaving the Past for a Better Future

Wow, so this has been a long time coming. Two full-time jobs sometimes leaves little time for inspiration and writing. Maybe once I acquire a laptop I can be more regular with my posts, so I apologize for my inconsistency.

Taken Away

Well, life has been abnormally hectic... and that's completely okay; I've actually enjoyed it. However, it has reminded me of the importance of slowing down, and actually feeling what life  has to offer. For me, that usually means becoming more involved with music. Out of anything that I have come in contact with in life, I think music has had the deepest, most uplifting impact on me... nothing inspires me more. Although our drummer is still in China for another month, the band has decided to recommit to a weekly practice and a new direction. I'm extremely excited to get back into writing and playing music and we have some big goals for this summer as far as writing and recording go.

Anyways,  I wanted to share something that I believe is an  under-appreciated and unrecognized art form that is worth a person's time. Again, I am sharing media, but I think it's a pretty pure form of musical expression. This movement is called the "Take Away Show". Some of you might be familiar with these performances but for you that aren't, the Take Away Show is a live performance recorded in a place, whether public or private, that can evoke the emotion of the songs played in a stronger, more visual way. Something about these performances speak a language deeper than music to me. Some of these performances are just awesome for the sake of being awesome, but others bare a person's soul, show the human condition, or expose the beauty in life. Please explore these videos, and you'll see what I mean. The best manufacturers of these videos that I have seen so far are LaBlogotheque, and The Black Cab Sessions... Both can be found on youtube. I have also found that the bands our artists that have the strongest impact on me are those who produce these videos. People like Andrew Bird, Bon Iver, Lykke Li, Local Natives,  Fleet Foxes, Band of Horses, St. Vincent, Portugal. The Man... seriously all of my favorites.

Here are a few that really hit me hard:
(if you can't invest the time to watch them all now, please revisit and watch... they are all very inspiring)

LOVE

So, my original post was meant to be written last week, but the music video I wanted to put up was erased from the entire internet for some reason. It was a live video of Portugal. The Man playing "All Your Light" in Germany. I had a good idea of what I wanted to write, but without the video, it was not near as powerful and clear. If you dare, beg them to put the video back online... it's amazing, and I am having withdrawals without it.

So, without that, my mind has been overwhelmed with a HEAVY, HEAVY topic... LOVE. It's such a hard thing to understand, and I think it is different for each person. Being divorced has made me really confused on how it all works, what it involves, how to nurture it properly, and how to feel it again. I have heard a lot of divorced people feel like they will never find it again, and I can relate. It's a scary thought, and deep down, I know it's not true, but it's hard to kick out the negative thoughts. Honestly, I really don't want to get too deep into it, but the idea of love makes me excited to live. It's definitely a driving force to living a beautiful life. I think most people agree. One of my favorite films "Into the Wild"(based on a true story) portrays college graduate who leaves civilization, burns his money and identification, and abandons his car to leave a corrupt, shallow society, as he views it. He finds beauty in the peace that comes from living off the land, and being completely independent and free from the system. But at his more desperate state, he carves into a piece of wood the following: "HAPPINESS IS NOT REAL UNLESS SHARED." I think this is a profound, perfect statement. If you haven't seen the movie, I HIGHLY recommend it, and if not that, read the book. It definitely makes you see the world in a different light. 

Anyways, I feel like this post is a little off beat from my past two, but what I really wanted to share in this post is a video that was shared with me. When I saw it the first time, I nearly cried. To me, this is love. And I love what they have done in this video to evoke such a strong, beautiful connection. This is what I want. This is the love that I am committed to one day creating. (I couldn't attatch the video so please click the link, make it full screen, turn up your volume, and enjoy)

Go Do by IRIS AND LIGHT

The cool thing about these videos is that they are actual couples' engagement videos. SUCH AN AWESOME IDEA! Way better than a few photos. You are committing to love a person for the rest of your life, why not make it insanely artistic media piece that reminds you of how awesome you are for each other. THIS IS TRUE BEAUTY.

MEDIA

Okay, so as promised, I want to explain Robert Lobetta's impact on me this last week at Paul Mitchell's annual CAPER event. His presentation was basically about not letting the outside noise of others drown out your inner voice and intuition and being true to who you are in whatever you do. His approach, of coarse, was directed toward the trade of hairdressing. I saw a deeper, more meaningful side to his inspiring words. I thought about my blog, and the purpose of it. I think what I really want, is to connect with my soul; be it a God-given spirit, a subconsciousness, or a Jiminy Cricket. If it is the spiritual side to my being, then it is the beautiful side to my existence. I saw this so called "intuition" Robert spoke of to be the seemingly God-given, and naturally & artistically inspired part to any creative being. What I am starting to believe is that inside of each being, a beautiful, clear, perfectly unique voice speaks... and we tend to rarely here it. I am not referring to any type of devil or angel standing shoulder-side, despite my reference to Jiminy Cricket. I am more referring to a creative voice whose mission is to make life more beautiful and enjoyable; the innate desire to create that comes pre-packaged with every human body. For example, before a child can speak, they can be found stacking blocks or scribbling different colors together; as this desire matures and transforms it turns into something like Frank Lloyd Wright's architectural masterpiece, "Falling Water". This is the inner-voice I am referring to.

Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water, 1935.

Now, I figure, if this voice is inside of me (and I truly believe it is), how do I find it and connect with it? The answer came from Robert Lobetta... CUT OUT THE OUTSIDE NOISE. Not an easy task, but I acknowledge and accept his advice. His words were not limited to this message, as he then shared a short film that he had made. I felt the film was the start to a new movement that could, quite likely, revolutionize the hair industry. Titled "Fallen", the film takes avant-garde hairstyles and blends them into some kind of artistic, intensely emotional, new media super-power shake. I was blown away by how he was able to communicate the emotional side of a haircut, color, and style. His purpose may have been different in making this film, but I fell in love with this idea. Here is his film:

Upon watching this film a few times after I had returned from Las Vegas, I was starving... starving for more inspiration; something that speaks to my soul, something that makes me think differently... so I started really digging into youtube, to find something that drowns out all of the dirty media noise I sometimes get use to hearing, and to find some revolutionary media music that fills my creative cup. Soon, I was able to find some truly, beautiful uses for the technology society has developed. Below is one of the most inspiring, powerful, emotional short films I was able to stumble upon. Please, turn up the volume and watch with an open mind, and allow it to speak to you rather than being skeptical and analytical. 

One of the comments I read below this video read, "Watching things like this make me wonder what I've been wasting my life doing." I wondered the same. How much time do I end up wasting on dirty, outside noise? What amazing songs have I not heard? What beautiful art have I not seen? What creations am I missing out on? Basically, what inspiration is just floating around, waiting to be found, that I am missing out on because of wasted time and pointless distractions? Now... I do believe in finding an inner-voice that is independent of these inspirations, but the realization has really become an amplified one, that my quality of life and my life experience revolves highly around what I take in and allow into my life. Like the insightful "youtuber", I wonder what have I been wasting my life doing. My new goal is no more wasted life. There is too much out there to let it go to waste. I'm only welcoming beauty from now on, and always keeping an eye out for new perspectives. This year will be a well-lived one, full of growth and new experiences. If a minute is unintentionally wasted, I plan on making it up with an hour of well-lived life.